Pabook.net Forums: A Bad Dream - Pabook.net Forums

By: Keane


Why do I have to fly
over every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
and you that I defend, I do not love.

I wake up,
it's a bad dream,
no one on my side.
I was fighting,
but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.

Where will I
meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man,
and I was born to hate.
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time
you could be my friend.

I wake up,
it's a bad dream,
no one on my side
I was fighting,
but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it
if you were by my side,
but you're long gone,
yeah you're long gone now.

Where do we go?
I don't even know
my strange old face.
And I'm thinking about those days.
And I'm thinking about those days.

I wake up,
it's a bad dream,
no one on my side.
I was fighting,
but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it
if you were by my side,
but you're long gone,
yeah you're long gone now.

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This is a really good song to express how I've been feeling lately. It just seems to me that for the longest time life really fucking hates me. Whether you call it life, God, Allah, what ever, someone out there really has it out for me. I was just a relatively normal child (as normal as a child whose mother was and still is suffering from Multiple Sclerosis and at one point was on her death bed) and then at the age of thirteen, BAM!, cancer. I thought after three surgeries and a lifetime's worth of radiation treatment in a little over a month, that all my suffering was over. Man was I fucking wrong. Just a little while after that, I'm in a bad car accident. Left me with a fractured collar bone in two places, a concussion, a really bad sprained ankle, and I went into shock. After dealing with that, I didn't have any idea how much more things could go wrong in my life. I found out a year later when in my senior year, my maternal grandfather died of stomach cancer. I was really close to him and I took it rather hard. My whole family took it pretty hard. I will never forget holding my mother while she sat there crying and saying that she doesn't have a father anymore. A few months after we lost him, my second oldest sister's daughter dies. She was only three months old. Again, my entire family took it damn hard. Now I can't say that I felt anywhere as much as my sister and her fiance, I know that. I have no idea what it's like to lose a child, and hopefully I will never have to go through that. At that point I was a complete mess. My guidance councilor told my mother that she was really worried about me, that I wasn't the same Bob anymore. She was right, I wasn't the same after going through all of that. A year or so after I graduated I met my first girlfriend. I thought everything would be better from that point on. I was 'in love' with her, and things were fine. Fine for the first month or so. After that, things went completely down hill. We would fight over the stupidest things. It came to a point where we would wake up and just find something to argue about. Then the day came when we broke up. I was pretty upset about it for a while. She did somethings in that relationship (things she would deny she did for years to come) and I did somethings that looking back, I'm not proud of. To this day I'm actually surprised that we lasted the year and a half that we were together. After about eight months of going through the whole process of moving on and forgetting about the past, I met Meghan. We hit it off immediately; there was some definite chemistry there. We found that we had a lot of things in common. When I say a lot, I mean a LOT in common. Our relationship was just about perfect. We never had any of those big arguments that I had with Nicole. As a matter of fact, the most we did was say a few words to each other, not talk for a little while, and then make up. At that point I was working at a pretty well paying job. I was working at a warehouse and was making about 14 dollars an hour. We only saw each other for two days out of the week, but we still had a good relationship. Now since I was in a good place, had a wonderful woman by my side, had a good paying job, life could not have that. So what happens? I wind up with a bad back. A neuropathic disease named Arachnoiditis. I wind up having to go on permanent disability and lose my good paying job. If that wasn't enough, I wind up losing the woman I love. The one woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. The one woman that got me, that understood me; my flaws and my good parts. She stuck by me during some of the worst moments in my life and was still there. But I lost her, and I don't know if I can ever get her back. I made so many mistakes during our relationship, mistakes that drover her away. I don't know if I'll ever be able to make them up to her, to show her that I can change, and be the man she fell in love with long ago. I want her back, but I don't know if I will ever have the chance to call her mine again. I hear move on from everyone, but I can't. Don't get me wrong, I've tried. I tried my damndest to forget it and move on. I couldn't though, and I know I'll never get over the thought of her being mine again. I will never be able to get over her. She's the one for me, she truly is. Now I know I've only had one other major relationship before her, and a lot of people are going to tell me that I'm just not that experienced to know what I'm talking about, but fuck them. They're not me, they don't know what I've been through, and they don't know how I feel. When someone knows who they want to be with, who they truly know that that person is the one for them, they just know it. And that's the same thing I feel. I can't really explain how I know, I just do. I've loved her then, and I still love her now, despite of all the bullshit that's happened, and everything that she and I are going through, I still love her, and I always will. No matter what happens, I will always love her. I just want her back so much that it aches. Why this song so perfectly expresses my feelings is just what it says; I've fought my entire life. I've fought, I've suffered a fuck more than most people I know, and it just seems that I can't be truly happy for more than a little while. I was so happy when I was with Meghan, but life just came and erased all of it. Everyday I fight and I fight. Fuck, I've fought for so long I don't know what it's like to just be at peace. Life just doesn't seem to want me to be happy and at peace for more than a little while, then it swoops down and fucks it all up. I'm just so tired of fighting. I don't know how much longer I can fight it. Maybe the song is right about me, maybe I'm just not the fighting kind.