http://pabook.net/forums/index.php?app=blog Community Blog List Syndication Tue, 08 Dec 2009 00:44:56 +0000 thewebsite@pabook.net (Pabook.net Forums) IP.Blog 60
June 2008 I get hired

September 2008 Associate Director gets fired.

December 2008 I get asked to take 2 weeks unpaid vacation during the holidays in order to save the organization some money.

December 2008 I begin to look for a new job. I decide to be picky and not take the first thing that comes up.

March 2009 Executive Director gets fired

March 2009 Interim Director takes over. Only comes to office once a week.

September 2009 interviews begin for new Executive Director. We've been virtually leaderless for 6 months.

September 2009 I am not even considered for the Executive Director position. I am told I am not nearly qualified for the position.

October 2009 I receive notice that my salary will be cut by 30%.

October 2009 I begin to aggressively search for a new job.

November 2009 During a non job related interview with a State Assemblyman, I receive an informal job offer to be Executive Director of an organization. Job to open in June or July of 2010.

November 2009 At an event, a coworker creates a commotion and outbursts at me in front of the City Councilman Staff. Interim Director asks ME to write a letter of apology to the Council Office for the incident.

December 2009 Job offer is getting serious. They seem to really want me if I can survive till June or July 2010.

December 2009 New Executive Director starts. She tells me my workload will increase in the coming months.


I left my job at Rec & Parks because I knew cuts were coming and I was in danger of being laid off. I left a job where I had nearly 10 years service time for something that offered me more freedom and a higher salary. Before accepting their offer I asked if the struggling economy was going to a factor. I was told we were beyond secure. Being the paranoid person that I am, I took a demotion at Rec & Parks were I could keep my benefits and stay on payroll as a part time employee. This worked out great after I had my salary cut. Its the only way I've been able to pay the bills lately.

This new job offer is for a non-profit that I helped form in January of this year. I've been their Government Relations Committee Chair for the last 10 months. When I agreed to form this non-profit I knew that eventually there would be a job possibility in the works. I never thought it would be this soon or that it would come from the Board President and not my suggestion. This makes me feel confident of my abilities. Especially when they want me to lead the effort on a $1,000,000,000+ project. (yes that's 3 comas). The only problem is that because we are a young non-profit, we don't have very much money in the back at the moment and cannot hire me right now. I hired 2 consultants in November to lobby and fund raise for us enough to get the organization the necessary $3,000,000 for an environmental impact report and pay their own salary. They figure to have a years salary for me by June or July.

New job figures to pay me 50% more than my current job payed me before the pay cut.

Theres more to say but I'm at the office and its quitting time.]]> Mon, 07 Dec 2009 21:50:00 +0000
And now, I have to contend with my mother-in-law, who once again decided what we all are going to do for Christmas without really consulting anyone. Should be interesting when we tell her that we actually won't be spending Christmas with anyone else and that we'll be at the coast for that weekend. I honestly hope that she doesn't go on an emotional guilt trip, cause I'd probably lose it at this point.

to top it off, dad just mailed us a package filled with stuff, god knows how much he spent on it all.]]> Sun, 01 Nov 2009 11:10:00 +0000
Not many people make it that long? 7 years isn't a long time in the great scheme of things. It takes longer for a rocket to get to Saturn. It takes longer for Lindsey Lohan to detox. Kirstie Alley can gain, lose, and regain 1,000 pounds in that time. My grandparents were married for 55 years. That's a long time. It must just be that not many people make it that long in the era of speed dating. When 5 minutes and "Let's fuck" count as a date, I suppose it may be a long time.

It's been a good 7 years, for the most part. Every relationship has its ups and downs and ours has had more ups than downs. And more uppers than downers, but that's not important right now. Here's to another 7 years.]]> Sun, 11 Oct 2009 00:43:00 +0000
Are you afraid, afraid of the truth
In the mirror staring back at you.
The image is cracked but so is the view, yeah.
The strength of a tree begins in the roots
That are tender buried into you
At least now the storm can't blow me away.

So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me.

Should I be afraid of this face that I see
In the mirror staring back at me?
So cold are the days where I listen to you.
And you say that I'm weak so show me the proof
Because I still exist in spite of you
But I won't compete with you every day.

So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
To blame like me.

Schizophrenic conversations that
I'm always having with myself.
I hear these voices in my head are competing.
Maybe I could use a little help
I still have schizophrenic conversations
Where there's no one else around to hear.
I long for solitude and peace within me
Void of all the anger and the fear.

So crawl inside my head with me.
I'll show you how it feels to be,
Fucked up like me.

I'll show you how it feels to be
To blame like me
Ashamed like me.

---------------------------------------------------

If you've ever wondered why I only post lyrics sometimes in my blog, I'll enlighten you. Music plays a big part in this fucked up crazy thing I call my life. Some songs speak to me, perfectly explaining the way I feel. One song in particular by Staind has even saved my life. I am not exaggerating, and I am not making it up. The song is called 'Waste', look it up. Anyway, so when you see a post of mine that's only music, and I don't put anything else in the post, it's because I feel like I don't have to explain any further as to why I posted it, or how I'm feeling, because the song has done it for me. So now you know just a little bit more of the inner workings of my twisted, fucked up head. You're welcome.]]> Wed, 07 Oct 2009 20:35:00 +0000

Why do I have to fly
over every town up and down the line?
I'll die in the clouds above
and you that I defend, I do not love.

I wake up,
it's a bad dream,
no one on my side.
I was fighting,
but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.

Where will I
meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man,
and I was born to hate.
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time
you could be my friend.

I wake up,
it's a bad dream,
no one on my side
I was fighting,
but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it
if you were by my side,
but you're long gone,
yeah you're long gone now.

Where do we go?
I don't even know
my strange old face.
And I'm thinking about those days.
And I'm thinking about those days.

I wake up,
it's a bad dream,
no one on my side.
I was fighting,
but I just feel too tired
to be fighting.
Guess I'm not the fighting kind.
Wouldn't mind it
if you were by my side,
but you're long gone,
yeah you're long gone now.

------------------------------------------------


This is a really good song to express how I've been feeling lately. It just seems to me that for the longest time life really fucking hates me. Whether you call it life, God, Allah, what ever, someone out there really has it out for me. I was just a relatively normal child (as normal as a child whose mother was and still is suffering from Multiple Sclerosis and at one point was on her death bed) and then at the age of thirteen, BAM!, cancer. I thought after three surgeries and a lifetime's worth of radiation treatment in a little over a month, that all my suffering was over. Man was I fucking wrong. Just a little while after that, I'm in a bad car accident. Left me with a fractured collar bone in two places, a concussion, a really bad sprained ankle, and I went into shock. After dealing with that, I didn't have any idea how much more things could go wrong in my life. I found out a year later when in my senior year, my maternal grandfather died of stomach cancer. I was really close to him and I took it rather hard. My whole family took it pretty hard. I will never forget holding my mother while she sat there crying and saying that she doesn't have a father anymore. A few months after we lost him, my second oldest sister's daughter dies. She was only three months old. Again, my entire family took it damn hard. Now I can't say that I felt anywhere as much as my sister and her fiance, I know that. I have no idea what it's like to lose a child, and hopefully I will never have to go through that. At that point I was a complete mess. My guidance councilor told my mother that she was really worried about me, that I wasn't the same Bob anymore. She was right, I wasn't the same after going through all of that. A year or so after I graduated I met my first girlfriend. I thought everything would be better from that point on. I was 'in love' with her, and things were fine. Fine for the first month or so. After that, things went completely down hill. We would fight over the stupidest things. It came to a point where we would wake up and just find something to argue about. Then the day came when we broke up. I was pretty upset about it for a while. She did somethings in that relationship (things she would deny she did for years to come) and I did somethings that looking back, I'm not proud of. To this day I'm actually surprised that we lasted the year and a half that we were together. After about eight months of going through the whole process of moving on and forgetting about the past, I met Meghan. We hit it off immediately; there was some definite chemistry there. We found that we had a lot of things in common. When I say a lot, I mean a LOT in common. Our relationship was just about perfect. We never had any of those big arguments that I had with Nicole. As a matter of fact, the most we did was say a few words to each other, not talk for a little while, and then make up. At that point I was working at a pretty well paying job. I was working at a warehouse and was making about 14 dollars an hour. We only saw each other for two days out of the week, but we still had a good relationship. Now since I was in a good place, had a wonderful woman by my side, had a good paying job, life could not have that. So what happens? I wind up with a bad back. A neuropathic disease named Arachnoiditis. I wind up having to go on permanent disability and lose my good paying job. If that wasn't enough, I wind up losing the woman I love. The one woman I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. The one woman that got me, that understood me; my flaws and my good parts. She stuck by me during some of the worst moments in my life and was still there. But I lost her, and I don't know if I can ever get her back. I made so many mistakes during our relationship, mistakes that drover her away. I don't know if I'll ever be able to make them up to her, to show her that I can change, and be the man she fell in love with long ago. I want her back, but I don't know if I will ever have the chance to call her mine again. I hear move on from everyone, but I can't. Don't get me wrong, I've tried. I tried my damndest to forget it and move on. I couldn't though, and I know I'll never get over the thought of her being mine again. I will never be able to get over her. She's the one for me, she truly is. Now I know I've only had one other major relationship before her, and a lot of people are going to tell me that I'm just not that experienced to know what I'm talking about, but fuck them. They're not me, they don't know what I've been through, and they don't know how I feel. When someone knows who they want to be with, who they truly know that that person is the one for them, they just know it. And that's the same thing I feel. I can't really explain how I know, I just do. I've loved her then, and I still love her now, despite of all the bullshit that's happened, and everything that she and I are going through, I still love her, and I always will. No matter what happens, I will always love her. I just want her back so much that it aches. Why this song so perfectly expresses my feelings is just what it says; I've fought my entire life. I've fought, I've suffered a fuck more than most people I know, and it just seems that I can't be truly happy for more than a little while. I was so happy when I was with Meghan, but life just came and erased all of it. Everyday I fight and I fight. Fuck, I've fought for so long I don't know what it's like to just be at peace. Life just doesn't seem to want me to be happy and at peace for more than a little while, then it swoops down and fucks it all up. I'm just so tired of fighting. I don't know how much longer I can fight it. Maybe the song is right about me, maybe I'm just not the fighting kind.]]> Tue, 15 Sep 2009 06:18:00 +0000

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
For I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks-
masks that I'm afraid to take off
and none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that's second nature with me
but don't be fooled, for God's sake, don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure
That all is sunny and unruffled with me
within as well as without,
that confidence is my name
and coolness my game,
that the water's calm
and I'm in command,
and that I need no one.
But don't believe me. Please!

My surface may be smooth but my surface is my mask,
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness, no complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in aloneness.
But I hide this.
I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weaknesses
and fear exposing them.
That's why I frantically create my masks
to hide behind.
They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades
to help me pretend,
To shield me from the glance that knows.
But such a glance is precisely my salvation,
my only salvation, and I know it.

That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
and if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself
from my own self-built prison walls

I dislike hiding, honestly
I dislike the superficial game I'm playing,
the superficial phony game.
I'd really like to be genuine and me.
But I need your help, your hand to hold
Even though my masks would tell you otherwise
That glance from you is the only thing that assures me
of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.

But I don't tell you this.
I don't dare.
I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh
and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing,
that I'm just no good
and you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game
With a facade of assurance without,
And a trembling child within.
So begins the parade of masks,

The glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that's nothing
and nothing of what's everything,
of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying
Please listen carefully and try to hear
what I'm not saying
Hear what I'd like to say
but what I can not say.

It will not be easy for you,
long felt inadequacies make my defenses strong.
The nearer you approach me
the blinder I may strike back.
Despite what books say of men, I am irrational;
I fight against the very thing that I cry out for.
you wonder who I am
you shouldn't
for I am everyman
who wears a mask.
Don't be fooled by me.
At least not by the mask I wear.]]> Wed, 09 Sep 2009 00:59:00 +0000 In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow

I am a rock
I am an island

I've built walls
A fortress deep and mighty
That none may penetrate
I have no need of friendship
Friendship causes pain
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain

I am a rock
I am an island

Don't talk of love
Well I've heard the word before
It's sleeping in my memory
I won't disturb the slumber
Of feelings that have died
If I never loved I never would have cried

I am a rock
I am an island

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me
I am shielded in my armor
Hiding in my room
Safe within my womb
I touch no one and no one touches me

I am a rock
I am an island

And a rock feels no pain
And an island never cries
--------------------------------

Look to the Oldies when you need to express feelings, works almost every time. Thank You Simon & Garfunkel.

]]> Wed, 02 Sep 2009 11:39:00 +0000 She's moved to another town a bit further away and is doing private practice. Damnit

Now I have to find another GP that I'm comfortable with to discuss my mental health issues ]]> Wed, 26 Aug 2009 09:25:00 +0000 As I mentioned in the forums someplace, I spent $200 at Jumbos Clown Room the other night. I think this deserves a story filled with background and details and whatever else I don't even know. I'm thinking i type and we see where it takes me.

A few years ago after I broke up with my long time gf I started going to Jumbos Clown Room which is a small dive bar in my neighborhood known for its cheap drinks and almost naked women pole dancing for tips and giving lap dances. I should be clear that this IS NOT a strip club but pretty close. Anywho.... I would go there a few times a month... no less than twice no more than 5. After about a year of that I stopped going for whatever reason. Recently I started going again with my friend Dave who used to be a regular bar fly there sometimes even crashing at one of the girls couches because he was too drunk to even walk home. He also stopped going for a while because he moved out of LA and would only be in town once a month. Finally he got married and moved back to LA meaning we go to Jumbos now about twice a month but never more than once a week.

Over the years some of the girls have moved on, some have stayed and others have passed away but the place remains the same. Upon my return to Jumbos I saw a girl dancing that reminded me so much of Lucy. Lucy being the older woman Ive been seeing off and on (currently on) for the last three years. I have to realize that I am no longer a 22 year old kid going to a titty bar having the girls women take advantage of me and me peeing my pants when they come talk to me. I'm a 28 year old man with a profession and aspirations that has a confident demeanor and carries himself well. Ive noticed that in the past year or so women can tell you have a little bit of money and I've been dating a lot. Most of the time its the women seeking me out.

As I walk into Jumbos and I love the smell of vanilla and daddy issues, I double take as I see what looks like Lucy dancing but realize its not her but rather a dancer who looks like Lucy only 10 years younger. We make eye contact. She smiles. 'I've got her' I think to myself no doubt she's thinking 'ive got him'. In the end its she who has me giveing her my hard earned money but then again this is her job and its now her hard earned money. The vicious cycle continues. As a personal rule when I'm here I always tip all the girls. Its just plain polite even if they're not pretty at all. Usually $1. If they're good they get more. If they're really good then they get even more. $3-5 is a good range to play with. But then again, this is Jumbos and Ive been here so many times that there really isn't anything new except for the occasional new girl so for the most part Dave and I are there to pound a few beers and talk business. (we produce a comedy show once a month).

Regardless, Sophia has my full attention. While all the other drunks in the bar are throwing crumpled up singles and showing off how they throw multiple singles in the air at the ladies I calmly walk over and drop a neatly folded stack of singles totaling $5 while shes dancing on another side of the stage with her back turned to me. Ironically enough there are mirrors all over the place so she probably saw me anyways. After her dance is over she picks up all her money and I go back to my conversations with Dave turning my back to the stage but still able to watch the action on the mirrors behind the bar. A few minutes later Sophia squeezes in between Dave and I and thanks me, introduces herself and we make small talk for a couple of minutes. She moves on. Her next dance I decided to up her tip amount and gave her $7. Once again she came back to me thanked me and then she asked me if I wanted a lap dance. I said "probably but maybe later because I'm busy talking to Dave." I had no intentions of becoming a client even though that term can be already given to me the moment I tipped her. Anywho... Shes been going back to the same dude at the other side of the bar all night where he's been buying her drinks. Whatever. On her way back to the stage she stopped and said she would be right back. I upped the tip to $10 now. She came back and once again thanked me but this time I said Dave and I were leaving. She seemed a bit upset that she couldnt get a dance out of me but I figured she had gotten enough of my money tonight.

I visited Jumbos a couple times since then always missing Sophia. Next time I visited Jumbos when she was there I went with another friend on pirate night no less. She smiled as she saw me but was once again with the same douchey guy in the corner buying her drinks. I didnt pay much attention to her but rather all the cool pirate outfits the girls were wearing while dancing. Eventually Sophia walked passed me tapping me on the shoulder and smiling. She remembered. Whether its for my charm or my cash flow she remembered regardless and she remembered my name. Eventually she came around and we talked for a while but I never forgot who and what I was talking to. Dave eventually mentioned an event of mine that is coming up in a few weeks and her eyes lit up saying she had heard of it and wanted to go. Saying I should remind her so she could go and she would spread the word to the other girls. Again being the paranoid guy that I am I'm thinking she just got me to agree to come back some other day and remind her.

Next time I went I didnt remind her but rather she reminded me that I should contiunue to remind her about Park[ing] Day. I'm starting to realize that this lady has taken a genuine interest. At the end of the night as I walk away she asks me my last name so she can add me on Facebook. A week went by and I had already forgotten she was going to add me. I never got an add request. Finally My best friend flew home from Cleveland and he wanted to go to a bar so I of course took him to Jumbos. He loved it. Of course Sophia was working and she immediatly came to chit chat and meet my friends. She said, I havent forgotten to add you to facebook I just havent been on all week. I never mentioned it to her at all. Finally I asked her if Sophia was a stage name or her real name. Stage. Real name is Michelle. So now, I've spent over $400 at this place in this span. Most of it on her and all I have is a facebook account. I start feeling sheepish and decided I needed to stay away from that place for some time.

Last night I get a call at 3am from a restricted number. Usually this means its my mom or somebody from one of my parks either way I have to answer. I was wrong. It ended up being Sophia/Michelle saying she couldnt sleep either and since she saw I was still awake she decided to call. So we talked for an hour.

When I decided I liked this woman I thought to myself she looks like Lucy only 10 years younger. Turns out she's 1 year older than Lucy. I also thought they were of the same ethnic background, I was wrong. I also thought this woman is probably looking for a sugar daddy because she doesnt want to be dancing there her whole life. I was right. Sorry thats not gonna me unless she can stick around for the next four years and wait till my political career takes off.

Anywho, this is just a stream of conciousness about the last 6-8 weeks. I dont know what I'm doing. Dana thinks she's a prostitute and told my sister I was dating a prostitute so thats bad. But now we'll see what happens and if she'll let me take her out sometime. Only time will tell. As of now there are no plans to go back to jumbos this weekend or even next week. We shall see. ]]> Thu, 20 Aug 2009 19:24:00 +0000 No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me, I cared for and loved

Building up, inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me, you're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name, I won't see you tonight

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me, I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone, everything will be alright

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
]]> Sat, 15 Aug 2009 05:22:00 +0000